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Anxiogenic Vapor
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I've been on a trip to LA! We stayed in a lovely house being rented by Ivan's mother, decorated in a kind of fusion of traditional Thai style and shabby chic. I checked out my new favorite store ever, Necromance, where I bought a few items: a seahorse specimen in a glass vial; a begrimed miniature human skull cast in resin; and a decorative white tile printed with a vintage anatomical illustration of a heart.

with Ivan's mom, Marisa, at the cable car up to Angel's Knoll

For Nick's birthday I gave him a bunch of teas, and a copy of Tales of a Grass Widow, which is my favorite album right now.

And I rewatched Natural Born Killers tonight.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have seen the ghosts of organs and body parts. I don’t know why, or how it started. One day I turned around at the top of the basement stairs, and there behind me was a tiny baby girl’s rib cage floating a few feet away, a pink ribbon tied around her uppermost rib. Once when I took a bath in the old clawfoot tub, there was a sudden burbling from underneath the water, and soon a heart came up, turning all of the bathwater red and pink. Jogging around the path that circles the lake behind the house, I heard a whizzing sound, and looked behind me to find a femur and tibula coming swiftly towards me, and passing by. A little bit later, a foot dragged sadly after them, scuffing on the ground. Once, I threw open the doors of my closet in the middle of the day, only to see a whole head looking dolorously out at me from the depths of my dresses. It had been making a suspicious sound, irritatingly forlorn, against the inside of the door all afternoon. Whose head it was, I had no idea. Lungs have given me guilt trips almost every Sunday of my life, breathing in and out their wet, spongy despondency. Once, I even saw an entire fetus lying curled up in the space beneath the kitchen sink, its skin so translucent I could see through to the veins, arteries, and little organs beneath. I shut the cabinet door very quietly, and left it to its birthless sleep. I had an idea that, like some places that missed or lost objects end up, I was a person that missing bits of other people gravitate towards and orbit. I was a lost-and-found for missing parts of yourself.

But where is the place, who is the person that will house me when I am lost and gone? Ever since I’ve lost my love, I’ve never stopped wondering that. I found my love one day in a dresser drawer. I woke up, went to get a clean pair of underwear from the dresser, and there it was, nestled in cotton panties, in all its sticky, nebulous, and flanged glory. It was about the size of a baby’s fist. I closed the drawer and ran downstairs, and promptly forgot it, till I saw it there again, in the exact same spot, the next day. For some reason or other, it had decided to stay there. With the exception of my love, none of my anatomical apparitions have ever stayed for longer than a few hours at most.

I got the idea to feed it when I was eating a bowl of cereal one day. I had taken the thing out of its drawer, wrapped it in a hand towel, and transferred it to the drawer in my desk so I could watch it more closely. The drawer was pulled open, the little thing pinkly and demurely lying inside, when I almost knocked over the bowl, catching it with my hand, but a few drops of milk fell on the poor thing, which wicked the liquid right up. The next day I saw that it was noticeably larger, clearly now the size of a kindergartener’s clenched fist. From then on I fed it whole milk, sugar water, and tea with honey. It got bigger and bigger. I had to hide it in the back of my closet. I had to give it baths in the bathtub, rolling it back and forth between the bedroom and the bathroom. When I was nine, it was the size of a plump two-year-old. When I went off to my first day of middle school, it was a year old and the size of me at five. At the same time it was changing shape, becoming less spherical and more amorphous, growing in all directions, and I thought that sometimes it was trying to talk to me, too. Like it urged and yearned to say its first word. Little cilia at the top of its mottled surface seemed to strain towards me as I leaned forward to feed it, whispering things that I couldn’t understand.

One day I when came back from school, there was a boy standing in the middle of my room I had never seen before. He wasn't wearing any clothes, so I gave him my largest, loosest clothes. His skin had a raw, pink, exposed quality exactly like a newborn’s. I fed him sugared tea, buttered bread, chamomile leaves, and lavender petals. The only indication of what he had once been was a small cluster of cilia that extended from the upper tip of his spine and always poked out from the back of his T-shirt. I have never seen a boy so beautiful as he was. It wasn’t just that he was physically beautiful, but more that he was exactly what he was on the inside. He was made of the same substance throughout. There was no distinction between inside and outside with him. He never spoke. I don’t think he could, or ever had any desire to. At night we lay like two little spines arched next to each other on the bed. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night to find him standing in the middle of the room, faintly glowing. This odd luminescence played over his fingers like a miniature milky way, or a tiny local river, flowing gently, and he moved his hands, staring in concentration and absorption at the opal light that viscously shimmered along his body.
02 11 13 - Dream
I woke up in the middle of the night, got up, and was walking towards a room, and when I stopped at the doorway, looking in, I saw a "vampire" girl lying in the middle of the floor, nude, bluish-gray skinned, almost corpsey looking, impossibly skinny and the angles of her body were distorted, her elbows and bones stuck out too much and she was long; there was long black hair falling over her face and covering it entirely so you couldn't see it at all, and she was curled up and writhing on the floor like some kind of wounded creature, her back all bent and arched in an extreme semicircle, she was latched onto and sucking from the back of a human being, a naked man, and making these...ragged, gasping noises. Moving and writhing unnaturally, slowly, and she sounded like somebody dying, someone unable to breathe...
02 07 13 - Scavenger
Last week I sat with my friend for three hours at Slave to the Needle, where he was getting an existing tattoo on his arm added to. It didn't feel very long, though; I finished reading a book. (By the by, I just read Crime and Punishment for the first time! An old copy from the '50s I got from Powell's City of Books on my trip to Portland.) It's a meandering, delicate tattoo of branches, flowers, leaves, a beetle, and a bird.

I don't remember when this was exactly, but I went to the cemetery, and the little conservatory in the park, where I checked out the carnivorous flowers, and then had some amazingly creamy chocolate chai at Tea Republik.

Last night I went to the Emilie Autumn F.L.A.G. show, but sadly, we were very late... I was hoping they wouldn't get on stage until 45 minutes past schedule as they have before, but I think they must have started exactly on time, because when we got there they were at least halfway through the show. Even so it was a short show by their standards. I remember every past EA show being at least three hours long, maybe even longer. They feel very, very long (not in a bad way; in a magnificent and delight-prolonging way!). I think they basically played through the new album, without any Opheliac material. It was all new costumes and props, around the concept of the asylum. "Scavenger" is one of my favorite and most atmospheric songs off the album, and during that track Captain Maggot came out on stilts, in a black plague mask, evil-looking, long black claws, and these long, tattered, black/dark gray rags, like cerements, and slowly came up behind Emilie and grabbed her by the shoulders...
Last night I saw a performance of Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Moore. It blew me away. I love the film, and I was wondering how it would translate to a stage show, because I'd never seen it before. It's so different an experience from the movie, but super-engaging, the actor who played Hedwig was amazing, and without the imagery of the cinematic version, it still has the same wit and sadness. My favorite Hedwig quote... One day in the late mid-'80s, I was in my early late 20s, I had just been dismissed from university after delivering a brilliant lecture on the aggressive influence of German philosophy on rock 'n' roll entitled You, Kant, Always Get What You Want. At 26, my academic career was over, I had never kissed a boy, and I was still sleeping with Mom. The search for my other half, on my side of the wall, had proved futile....Such were the thoughts flooding my tiny head on the day that I was...sunning myself in an old bomb crater I had discovered near the Wall. I am naked, facedown, on a piece of broken church, inhaling a fragrant westerly breeze. My God, I deserved a break today.

Today I saw Leos Carax's new movie, Holy Motors. It was so good. Impossible to describe. Bizarre, perfect, beautiful... But must be seen.

For some reason I've had "Scarborough Fair" stuck in my head all day.
A couple of weeks ago when I went to the Mourning Market, I picked up two vials from The Belfry, one containing a human tooth from the 1890s, the other containing two mink leg bones.

I got a 1940s Remington typewriter for Christmas! It's quite a beauty. It's still in good working condition, but it's tricky typing on it... Does anyone else own a vintage typewriter?

I also got a Polaroid camera, a dark purple comforter, a beautiful coat from Heavy Red, and a ticket to see IAMX in May!
Around Thanksgiving Nick and I made delicious cupcakes with white cake mix, pumpkin pie inside (they're basically tiny pies baked in a smaller muffin tin, with pie crust and everything), and homemade cinnamon cream cheese frosting, from a recipe in Bake It in a Cupcake, which Nick's coworker wrote and came out recently. I love that book, I wish I had my own copy just so I could look through it when I wanted.

On Amanda's 21st birthday we went to the Unicorn with a bunch of her friends, where they proceeded to get her whimsically inebriated. I love the decor of that place; my favorite object is the lit antique-look chandelier cage suspended from the ceiling with a baby doll's head inside.

Last Saturday I saw Jherek Bischoff at the Moore. It was amazing. I'm so glad I went. Wish every night of my life was like that. It was incredibly beautiful and haunting, especially the collaborations with other artists which were sung by them. "The Nest" with Mirah Zeitlyn was so lovely, as well as "Your Ghost" featuring Craig Wedren, and Soko's own song "We Might Be Dead by Tomorrow." Nika of Zola Jesus sang for one of Jherek's tracks. It was interesting to hear her "Lick the Palm of the Burning Handshake" from Conatus done with an orchestra, translated into a purely instrumental, organic sound.

On Monday night I went to the Knee High Stocking Company for the first time. I had a "Hemingway Daiquiri," which was very citrusy. I wore my Fable and Fury deer silhouette necklace.

Coilhouse is on hiatus. The reason that for me print media is not dead. I loved getting the issues, poring over the glossy, lush pages and gorgeous design aesthetics that I delighted over; I loved holding them in my hands. And of course the blog was a huge part of it; that won't be updated anymore. The editors/founders cite this decision as being due to a combination of exhaustion and needing to take a rest, health problems, and the fact of Coilhouse's financial insolvency. I hate how so much has to do with money in the real world. It's sad that the best magazine out there can go out of business because these things are rarely financially solvent. But Mer, Zoetica, and Nadya are my heroines, my role models. They're living out my dream because they are that determined and talented. I'm sure Coilhouse will live on. It's just too good not to.

During Lime Crime's Black Friday sale I picked up some Carousel Gloss in Candy Apple and an opaque black lipstick (Styletto).

Last night I watched Cashback with Ivan and Lyle at my place, and I remembered how much I like that movie.

Currently reading Battle Royale by Koushon Takami.

This video makes me almost cry. It's so simple, sincere, and beautiful.
I have a problem: I think I'm starting to fall for Alden. After watching Repulsion on Friday night, we cuddled on his bed, and I said, "Tell me a secret." After a while, he spoke. "I spent most of 2007 in a hospital. I wasn't happy, and I just couldn't...be here." He told me, "My memory is all over the map. I remember stupid little details of life. But I don't remember people. Important things." That memory is sensory, and of his childhood, he'll suddenly remember, "The certain way the grass smelled at Grandma's house. Oh, yeah." And we're not aware of it at the time, it's not what we were consciously remembering, but later it can be the memory. He said, "In the hospital they gave me electroshock therapy. There was a waiting room with magazines, and it's weird, we were all sitting there, looking at each other, waiting to get the shit blasted out of our brains. And I know it sounds silly, but that was one of the few times I think I might have fallen in love. In that waiting room. There was a girl there. We would exchange these loaded, meaningful glances with each other. I had seven sessions, and we saw each other seven times. We didn't speak; that would have ruined it. She had these really bright green eyes. I couldn't get over those eyes."
11 05 12 - Alkonost
I saw Grimes perform at Neumos on the 16th of October. She was good as always, but I kind of missed the intimacy of the Austra show that she opened for when I saw her last year. She has such a larger following now. I couldn't even really see her clearly as I was near the back of the room as Neumos is always too fucking loud, to the point of distraction and fear for the eardrums. She's so adorable. I met this young fellow who I'd talked to online before, he said he knew Grimes/Clare when she was a student at his college. She was a year or two below him, and he was working as a server in the cafeteria, and he said that she was "bizarre" in her social interactions, a "weird little girl," very "particular," that some people could be a bit awkward while still being charismatic, but she wasn't one of them. But I find her very charismatic. Ivan says I am charismatic, but I am shy and don't like to show it.

On the 25th of October I saw Crystal Castles.

I had to give my ticket to the Leonard Cohen show to Nick because I'll be out of town then and I totally forgot about the concert before I planned my trip. :(

Last Saturday I went to Ivan's Halloween party. I was dressed as a wolf.

That Sunday I saw a lovely aerial dance show, Beneath a Wing-Darkened Sky, put on by the Cabiri dance troupe. They did pieces based on ancient mythology, which were interpretations of the myths but modern, creative, dark, and atmospheric. This show is part of their annual "Ghost Game," inspired by the Edo-period Japanese tradition of lighting 100 candles in a room and telling ghost stories all night, blowing a candle out after each story, while the stories became increasingly disturbing and the room grew darker and darker. It was beautiful, haunting, and very interesting. We also got to eat some amazing chocolate mousse during the show.

On Halloween night proper I went to Cabaret Macabre at the Columbia City Theater. I love that venue, and I saw some of the most impressive, magnificent, intricate, and lovely costumes there.

Last Thursday I met up with Alden at Bauhaus Cafe. I admired the moth tattoo on his wrist, we talked for two, two-and-a-half hours about silent movies, Von Trier, teeth-dreams, online personas versus real-life selves, collage-making, and social ineptitude.

Friday I went to the Mercury. I wore the PVC garter belt that Emily made for me for my birthday as part of my outfit.

Saturday I went to Roq La Rue Gallery because it was the last day of Marco Mazzoni's River of Milk show and I'd wanted to see it in person. Afterwards I got a yummy raspberry Italian soda with cream and a Yellow Leaf cupcake with delicate frosting at Bedlam Coffee. That night I went to Dark Cabaret for the Dead at JewelBox Theater.

On Wednesday I'm leaving for a week-long trip to Florida! I will probably be going to Disney World and hopefully the Harry Potter theme park at Universal Orlando.

I kind of want a tattoo, but I'm not sure what to get.
10 24 12 - Birthday goodies
Yay, presents! For my birthday a couple of weeks ago, I got:

+ William Gibson's Neuromancer (currently reading)

+ baby yeti plushie (so cute!)

+ replacement earrings for the Zoa Chimerum black spiked spiral earrings that I lost

+ some jewelry by CHRISHABANA: the Five-in-One Funeral Necklace (much more beautiful in real life), Thorned Peace Sign Necklace (very heavy, not to mention spiky, but lovely nonetheless), and the False Idols Necklace (image below)

+ Erotica Dress from Religion

+ the Fractal Dimension Hooded Dress (my favorite dress ever right now; so comfy, warm, and unique; I love the neckline!) and hoodie with bone pin from Nuit

+ a new digital camera

+ Dollhouse seasons one and two

+ an adorable black PVC garter belt with corset lacing and tiny bat wings on the back, hand-made by my friend who is an intern with Idolatre Clothing (she also treated me to some amazing chocolate-dipped strawberries at Dilettante)

+ ten million packs of gum (deposited on my desk at work when I arrived in the morning) :D { a veritable smorgasbord of assorted kinds and flavors }

I went to Portland that weekend for a mini-trip. One of the best places I visited there was Powell's City of Books, which is very impressive, sprawling, and enormous, like a sort of bookstore analog of Scarecrow Video in Seattle. I picked up a copy of Crime and Punishment, as well as a Shirley Jackson collection. There is also a rare books room; I get excited when I hold a 70-year-old book in my hands, so fancy my delight at the leather-bound 16th-century diaries and books behind display glass there!
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